He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
