Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
they need to just BURY HIM!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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