I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
