Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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