it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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