I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
