I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we made out on top of his cat.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
