sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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