I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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