I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
