I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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