i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So much Jack, so little girl.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
