i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
