I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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