did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
