i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
