The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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