whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Randomize
