Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
