Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
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Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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