I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
