You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
is that a dick in a sweater?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
