Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
