I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
