do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
