My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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