how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
