here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
