I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you