Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
