I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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