sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the day after is always just damage control
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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