I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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