come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got inside last night via doggy door
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
