dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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