update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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