I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
