FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
