i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i think i just lost a toe
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
