You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
