his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
