I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
