Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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