You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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