Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
