I am spending my child support on dildos
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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