Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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