Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
