I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
