dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
