She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
