Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
