Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
