remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
