theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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