the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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