Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
