you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pants are for mortals
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
