Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
